COMEDIAN QUOTES
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Steven Wright Lines
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Black holes are where God divided by zero.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
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If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
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Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
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Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
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If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
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When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
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If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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He who hesitates is probably right.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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Two wrongs are only the beginning.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
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Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
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Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Death to all fanatics!
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Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
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Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -
everyone hasn't met me yet."
--Rodney Dangerfield.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeners.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to
be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know
who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
-- Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another
woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
-- Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
-- Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
-- Steven Wright.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. NEXT you forget to pull your zipper
up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
-- Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
-- Robin Williams.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what
happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
--Steven Wright.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper off."
--Johnny Carson.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice
says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
--Charlie Brown.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey.
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
--Emo Philips.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
--Dave Edison.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld.
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
--Spike Milligan.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
--Steven Wright.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and
die."
--Mel Brooks.
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to
bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
--Henry Youngman.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men
don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves
caught in a zipper."
--Emo Philips.
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
--Steven Wright.
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my
thumb."
--Freddie Starr.
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
--Spike Milligan.
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he
could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
--Eric Morecambe.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
--Rowan Atkinson.
-- Steven Wright
"I'm moving to Mars NEXT week, so if you have any boxes..."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I
said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French
Toast during the Renaissance."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only
one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that
are in all the other museums."
-- Groucho Marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you
than you do!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll
never know."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
-- Emo Philips
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself."
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my
skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her
head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid NEXT door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like
being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in
later life."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any
gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that
the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
More...
-- Emo Philips
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't
have an alibi."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are
very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of
New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the
judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it,
rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how
would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and
down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars
for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get
lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter
back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which
according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more
than make up for the difference."
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy
little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one
because they're the devil."
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first,
piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the
floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
-- Woody Allen
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
--From 'Annie Hall' 1977.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said
'no'."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
--From 'Death' 1975.
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an
insurance salesman?"
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
--From 'Without Feathers' 1976.
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's
fantastic."
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty
good questions."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through
not dying."
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me
this watch."
-- Tommy Cooper
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
" A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts
swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No
thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and
everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and
everyone joins in."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a
library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my
livelihood.'"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I
said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said
'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I
swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
-- Denis Leary
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass,
okay?"
"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is
standing right NEXT to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that
to me!"
"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed
we wouldn't get laid!"
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it
Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
"I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture."
-- Eddie Izzard
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
"Excuse me, do you have a pencil?"
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
"So my choice is 'Or Death?' "
"I'm a one-man idiot"
"Twang him into a tree!"
"I'm an Action Transvestite"
"My name is NOT Tracy"
"They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' "
"You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants"
"Run, Charlie, Run!"
"Death or plumbing?"
"I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in beeeees!"
"Is this a sexytune Mrs Badcrumble?"
"Control-P-Print!"
"Who's pig is this?"
"Help!! I'm covered in beeeeeeees!!"
"Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?"
"Nooo! You don't have the Nottingham Twang!"
-- Oscar Wilde
"In married life three is company and two none."
--From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like
carelessness."
--From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
--From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
--From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.
"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being
talked about."
--From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
"It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be
ugly."
--From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.
"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the
people."
--From 'Sebastian Melmoth' 1891.
"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit
of the uneatable."
--From 'A Woman of No Importance' 1893.
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
-- Spike Milligan
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"I speak Esparanto like a native."
"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight
and thought it was his wife."
"Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights
tied to his scrotum."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why
should I? He never reads any of mine."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
"You silly twisted boy."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."
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