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"A day without denial is a day you've got to face."
-- Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes)

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-- Emo Philips.

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then
it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
-- George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
-- WC Fields.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no
place to put it all."
-- Robert Orben.

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
-- Adrienne Gusoff.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
-- Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
-- Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
-- Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
-- Jerry Seinfeld.

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label"
-- Mark Twain.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
-- Edgar Wallace.

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."
-- Patrick Murray.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
-- George Burns.

"I like children - fried."
-- W.C. Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
-- Sacha Guitry.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
-- Daniel J. Boorstin.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
-- Spike Milligan.

"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band."
-- Paddy Crosbie.

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen
the joke yet."
-- Oliver Herford.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher"
-- Ambrose Bierce.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
-- Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
-- Al Capone.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
-- Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the
-- Joel Segal.

"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus."
-- Joseph Thomson.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
-- R.D. Laing.

"I rob banks because that's where the money is."
-- Willie Sutton.

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."
-- B.L. Taylor.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
-- G.W. Hegel.

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera."
-- James Stephens.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
-- Enoch Powell.

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
-- Gore Vidal.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
-- John Wayne.

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?"
Steven Wright.

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
-- Quentin Crisp.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."
-- Peter Beckmann.

"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of
Daffy Duck."
-- Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot
both his parents and moved in."
-- Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems
-- Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
-- Joan Rivers

"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
-- Truman Capote on Mick Jagger

"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
-- Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando

"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner."
-- Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a
future in politics?"
-- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"It's like kissing Hitler."
-- Tony Curtis talking about Marilyn Monroe

"She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets
are good at being short."
-- Clive James also talking about Marilyn Monroe

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic
region covered with ice."
-- Steve Martin

"A plumber's idea of cleopatra."
-- W. C. Fields talking about Mae West

"I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed
-- Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin

"A hack writer who would have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out
a few of the old proven 'sure-fire' literary skeletons with sufficient local color to
intrigue the superficial and the lazy."
-- William Faulkner on Mark Twain

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
-- Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me"
-- Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
-- Herman J. Mankiewicz

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
-- Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
-- Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-- Mario Andretti.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
-- Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck."
-- Don Schula.

"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!"
-- Frank Carson.

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse."
-- Richard Sasuly.

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with
his boss."
-- Jim Murray.

"Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe
in Paris."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much
more serious than that."
-- Bill Shankly.

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
-- Woody Allen.

"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious."
-- Alan Winter.

"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up."
-- Muhammad Ali.

"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere
-- Gordon Sinclair.

"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one
afternoon playing golf."
-- Henry Aaron.

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If
we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
-- Rita Rudner.

"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country."
-- Ian Rush.

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."
-- Henry Youngman.

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
Steven Wright.

"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be NEXT door to her on her wedding night."
-- Peter Ustinov.

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who
the sucker is, it's you."
-- Paul Newman.

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
-- Steven Wright.

"They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken."
-- Walter Hagen.

"In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete."
-- Yakov Smirnoff.

"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."
-- Muhammad Ali.

"Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so
much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating."
-- Alex Ramsey.

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."
-- Jeffrey Bernard.

"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint."
-- Billy Connolly.

"When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa."
-- Nick Hancock.

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important."
-- Bobby Robson.

"We've lost seven of our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is
Western Samoa. It's a good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa."
-- Gareth Davies.

"Winning isn't everything: It's the only thing."
-- Vincent Lombardi.

"I call everyone 'Darling' because I can't remember their names."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it
to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
-- Linda Ellerbee

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a
-- Margaret Thatcher

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live NEXT
door and just visit now and then."
-- Katharine Hepburn

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another
-- Elaine Boosler

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer
the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot
which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
-- Marie Corelli

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
-- Gilda Radner

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
-- Hedy Lamarr

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-- Marion Pearson

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
-- Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice
says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
-- Charlie Brown.

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid
-- Robin Williams.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
-- Jim Carey.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human
-- Alfred Hitchcock.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was
talking to myself."
-- Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
-- Bob Hope.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
-- Woody Allen.

"Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs."
-- Alfred Hitchcock.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population."
-- David Letterman.

"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some
-- Clint Eastwood.

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if
it costs him his job."
-- Samuel Goldwyn.

"Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?"
-- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."
-- Rex Reed.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
-- Gary Cooper (on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind.").

"Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award."
-- Billy Wilder.

"How did I get to Hollywood? By train."
-- John Ford.

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two
consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
-- Yakov Smirnoff.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the
-- Bob Hope.

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
-- Ernie Kovacs.

"All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
-- Charlie Chaplin.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
-- George Gobal.

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written
in our contract."
-- Groucho Marx.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the
-- Joel Segal.

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."
-- Mel Brooks.

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
-- Joan Rivers.

"Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs."
-- Christopher Plummer.

"We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday."
-- Dennis Norden.

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
-- David Letterman.

"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts
for lions."
-- Bert Lahr.


"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
-- John Mendosa.

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
-- Steven Wright.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
-- George Burns.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
-- Daniel J. Boorstin.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
-- G.W. Hegel.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
-- Enoch Powell.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the
-- Mark Twain.

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were
-- Hilliare Belloc.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm
for the rest of his life."
-- Terry Pratchett.

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-- Ivana Trump.

"In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime."
-- Phyllis McGinley.

"It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway."
-- Norman Mailer.

"I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind."
-- Patrick Dennis.

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that
I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
-- Garrison Keilor.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll
become a philosopher."
-- Socrates.

"The most important thing for poets to do is to write as little as possible."
-- TS Eliot.

"My reputation grows with every failure."
-- George Bernard Shaw.

"Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis in tiny and he cannot
-- Erica Jong.

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense."
-- Tom Clancy.

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must
remember to take enough toilet paper NEXT
-- Bob Monkhouse.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to
-- Groucho Mark.

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."
-- Gore Vidal.

"What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster."
-- Isaac Assimov.

"The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns."
-- Herman Wouk.

"I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect."
-- Henry James.

"Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo."
-- Jean Cocteau.

"Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again."
-- Mark Twain (talking about Henry James).

"What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen
the joke?"
-- Gore Vidal.

"Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts."
-- Jeffrey Robinson.

"An incinerator is a writer's best friend."
-- Thornton Wilder.

"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
-- Stephen Hawking (A Brief History of Time).

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
-- Ambrose Bierce.

"The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable
-- John Steinbeck.

"I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any
of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974."
-- Jeffrey Bernard.

"Dr Donne's verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding."
-- James I.

"They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right."
-- Winston Churchill.

"The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to be one of the world's books. Only the
trouble is that the world doesn't read its books, it borrows a detective story
-- Stephen Leacock.

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
-- Dorothy Parker.

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't
give it up because by that time I was too famous."
-- Robert Benchley.

"An author who speaks about their own books is almost as bad as a mother who
speaks about her own children."
-- Benjamin Disraeli.

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."
-- TS Eliot.

"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
-- Wilson Mizner.

"I am the kind of writer that people think other people are reading."
-- VS Naipaul.

"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it
actually tells you something."
-- Groucho Marx.

"A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar."
-- Arthur Koestler.

"Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always
print a retraction."
-- Adlai Stevenson.

"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing
about it. I detest them."
-- Virginia Woolf.

"I never read the life of any important person without discovering that he knew more
and could do more than I could ever hope to know or do in half a dozen lifetimes."
-- JB Priestley.


"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen
the joke yet."
-- Oliver Herford.

"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for
people who can't read."
-- Frank Zappa.

"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings."
-- Ed Gardner.

"I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in."
-- Mick Miller.

"I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs."
-- Kevin Gildea.

"People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used
to be. That is what's wrong with it."
-- Noel Coward.

"Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find
his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's
old enough to swin NEXT
time, OK Jerry?"
Denis Leary.
"Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian."
-- H.L. Mencken.

"I hate music, especially when it's played."
-- Jimmy Durante.

"Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock. After it has been going three
hours, you look at your watch and it says 6.20."
-- David Randolph.

"Wagner has lovely moments but awful quarters of an hour."
-- Gioacchino Rossini.

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to
thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!"
-- Thomas Beecham.

"Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique."
-- Peter Ustinov.

"The concert is a polite form of self induced torture."
-- Henry Miller.

"My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the
-- Denis Leary.

"Once you're dead you're made for life."
-- Jimi Hendrix.

"Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a pissing toad."
-- Truman Capote.

"All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff."
-- Frank Zappa.

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me
that it wasn't a joke."
-- Spike Milligan.


"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
-- Salvador Dali.

"If it sells, it's art."
-- Frank Lloyd.

"Salvador Dali seduced many ladies, particularly American ladies, but these
seductions usually consisted of stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a
couple of eggs, putting them on the woman's shoulders and, without a word,
showing them the door."
-- Luis Bunuel.

"This is either a forgery or a damn clever original."
-- Frank Sullivan.

"Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilised."
-- Adolf Hitler.

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves they have a better idea."
-- John Ciardi.

"An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to
paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint."
-- Ben Shahn.

"When having my portrait painted I don't want justice, I want mercy."
-- Billy Hughes.

"The art galleries of Paris contain the finest collection of frames I ever saw."
-- Humphrey Davy.

"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a
Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a
terrible painter."
-- Tommy Cooper.

"Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60."
-- Gore Vidal.

"Who among us has not gazed at a painting of Jackson Pollack's and thought: What
a piece of crap?"
-- Rob Long.

"A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso."
-- AP Herbert.

"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
-- Wilhelm Bode.

"Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly
-- Al Capp.

"Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be."
-- Noel Coward.

"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it."
-- Samuel Butler.

"Painting is the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them
to the critic."
-- Ambrose Bierce.

"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one
nearest the door of course."
-- George Bernard Shaw.

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
-- Pablo Picasso.

-- Ambrose Bierce

"An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough
to lend to."

"An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is
given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country."

"A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat."
-- Peace (n): In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher."

"A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
-- Saint (n): A dead sinner revised and edited.

"An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop."

-- Mark Twain

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they

"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a
nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by
how much he'd learned in seven years."

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it
thousands of times."

-- George Bernard Shaw

"Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one
nearest the door of course."

"Those who can do, those who can't teach."

"Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty."

"England and America are two countries divided by a common language."

"My reputation grows with every failure."

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it
is his duty."

"Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability."

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of

"I was always unlawful; I broke the law when I was born because my parents weren't

"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."


My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994

I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different.
-- Tony Bennett, 1995

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple Black

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-- Walt Disney

I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle.
-- Molly Ivins

What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are.
-- Alanis Morissette, singer, 1995

If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind, give me the electric chair for all my future crimes.
-- Prince


Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
-- Anonymous

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone

I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.
-- John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show

I love cats because I love my home and after a while they become its visible soul.
-- Jean Cocteau

... I am indebted to the cat for a particular kind of honorable deceit, for a greater control over myself, for a characteristic aversion to brutal sounds, and for the need to keep silent for long periods of time.
-- Colette

What if it was cats who invented technology... would they have tv shows starring rubber sqeak toys?
-- Douglas Coupland

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.
-- English Proverb

I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren't certain we knew better.
-- George Bird Evans

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the 2 will hover, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
-- John Frazee

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.
-- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love, Lazarus Long

Love to eat them mousies
Mousie's what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet.
-- B. Kliban

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
-- Abraham Lincoln

It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, "Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then."
-- Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, 1994

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

The trouble with a kitten is
Eventually it becomes a
-- Ogden Nash

When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole nearby.
-- Nigerian Proverb

A hippo does not have a sting in its tail, but a wise man would still rather be sat on by a bee.
-- Polish proverb

A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.
-- Agnes Repplier

There are two means of refuge from the misery of life - music and cats.
-- Albert Schweitzer

Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals....except weasels.
-- Homer Simpson, character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain

Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
-- Mark Twain

The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.
-- Mark Twain

We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry.
-- John Webster

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
-- Steven Wright


If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
-- Anonymous

UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.
-- Elayne Boosler

If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
-- Beau Brummel

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.
-- Al Gore, U.S. Vice President

To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation.
-- Latin Proverb

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln

There is no one so bound to his own face that he does not cherish the hope of presenting another to the world.
-- Antonio Machado

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
-- Nelson Mandela, A Long Walk to Freedom

In every man's heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty.
-- Christopher Morley

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
-- Dolly Parton

I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner

Less and grayer hair.
-- Cal Ripkin Jr., baseball player, describing how he has changed over the course of his consecutive games record

Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving.
-- Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All

Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.
-- George Santayana

Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years?
-- Bart Simpson, young character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show

A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you.
-- Adlai Stevenson

Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter.
-- N. D. Stice

Not much meat on her, but what's there is choice.
-- Spencer Tracy, about Katharine Hepburn

I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.
-- Vincent Van Gogh

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke rising from the chimney and continue on their way.
-- Vincent Van Gogh

A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal

Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
-- John Weitz, American Designer

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
-- Mae West

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
-- Anita Wise


Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.

We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
-- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a fight furing a hockey game

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know.
-- Barbi Benton, former Playboy bunny

Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
-- Yogi Berra

No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board

In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent...
-- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early 70s speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"

They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.
-- Cindy Crawford, supermodel

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.
-- George Armstrong Custer

He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.
-- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Tear open packet, unfold and use.
-- Directions on moist towelette package

They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits.
-- Joe Early, Congressman (D-Mass), at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, U.S. President

If I tell a lie it's only because I think I'm telling the truth.
-- Phil Gaglardi, Minister of Highways, British Columbia, Canada

I'll moider da bum.
-- Tony Galento, heavyweight boxer, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.
-- John Heisman

It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.
-- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

Well, I think that it's a- it's had some difficult times but I think we have- we, I think, have been able to make some very good progress and it's- I would say that it's- it's- it's delightful that we're able to- to share the time and the relationship that we- that we do share.
-- Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator, during a 4 November 1979 interview with Roger Mudd trying to answer the question "What is the present state of your marriage?"

I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.
-- J. Curtis McKay, Wisconsin State Elections Board

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

When you don't know that you don't know, it's a lot different than when you do know that you don't know. He knows now that he doesn't know. Last year, he didn't know that.
-- Bill Parcels, New England Patriots head coach, on 2nd year quarter-back Drew Bledsoe

I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.
-- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the U.S.

I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.
-- Dan Quayle, Former Vice-President

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
-- Jim Scheibel, mayor, St. Paul MN

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that.
-- E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent you to represent us.
-- Kent York, Baptist minister to US Rep. Bill Sarpalius


All television is children's television.
-- Richard P. Adler

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
-- Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
-- Fred Allen

The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.
-- T. S. Eliot

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.
-- Katharine Hepburn

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.
-- David Letterman

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end.
-- Herman Mankiewicz

I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx

Life is like a movie--since there aren't any commercial breaks, you have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of it.
-- Nick Mirov

...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin, the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable.
-- Garry Trudeau

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
-- Gore Vidal


Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.
-- Leo Buscaglia

Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger, and will make, not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large.
-- Gandhi

Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
-- Roy Goodman

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.
-- Sir J. Lubbock

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either.
-- Golda Meir

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill

The truth is, laughter always sounds more perfect than weeping. Laughter flows in a violent riff and is effortlessly melodic. Weeping is often fought, choked, half strangled, or surrendered to with humiliation.
-- Anne Rice, Taltos

Happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experience.
-- George Santayana

To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.
-- George Santayana

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
-- Rabbi H. Schachtel, The Real Enjoyment of Living

Poetry is the record of the best and happiest moments of the happiest and best minds.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-- Mark Twain

Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are.
-- Henry Van Dyke


The gods too are fond of a joke.
-- Aristotle

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
-- Bertolt Brecht

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
-- Anthony Burgess

The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
-- Sebastian Roch Nicolas Chamfort

In the end, everything is a gag.
-- Charlie Chaplin

He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
-- Terry Cohen

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
-- ee cummings

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
-- Bob Edwards

He who laughs last didn't get it.
-- Helen Giangregorio

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
-- Clive James

Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
-- Lyn Karol

Now is the time for all good men to come to.
-- Walt Kelly

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
-- John F. Kennedy

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.
-- Abraham Lincoln

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole

Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained.
-- John Powell

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
-- Will Rogers

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-- Seen on a bumper sticker

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
-- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin, 1973

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
-- Gloria Vanderbilt

This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.
-- Horace Walpole

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
-- Virginia Woolf


Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-- Anonymous

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.
-- Aristotle

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
-- James Baldwin

I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it, and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else; hard work and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.
-- Lucille Ball

The great advantage of being in a rut is that when one is in a rut, one knows exactly where one is.
-- Arnold Bennett

Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.
-- Thomas Arnold Bennett

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
-- Josh Billings

Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.
-- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones.
-- Phillip Brooks

We got to roll with the punches, play all of our hunches, make the best of whatever comes your way. Forget that blind ambition, learn to trust your intuition -- plowing straight ahead, come what may.
-- Jimmy Buffett, Cowboy in the Jungle (song)

Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind.
-- Leonardo da Vinci, Notebooks

Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.
-- Emily Dickinson

Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
-- Thomas Edison

Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labour in freedom.
-- Albert Einstein

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
-- Albert Einstein

A problem is a chance for you to do your best.
-- Buke Ellington

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing is beneath you if it is in the direction of your life.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.
-- Henry Ford

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
-- Henry Ford

One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do.
-- Henry Ford

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.
-- Henry Ford

He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.
-- Thomas Fuller, M.D.

We must become the change we want to see.
-- Gandhi

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is most important that you do it.
-- Gandhi

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What does not kill me makes me stronger.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When we treat man as he is, we make him worse than he is; when we treat him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what he should be.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.
-- Ellen Hubbard

May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.
-- Irish Blessing

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
-- Helen Keller

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.
-- Helen Keller

There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?
-- Robert Francis Kennedy

He who limps is still walking.
-- Stanislaw J. Lec

Whatever you are, be a good one.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.
-- Orison Swett Marden

We are not in a position in which we have nothing to work with. We already have capacities, talents, direction, missions, callings.
-- Abraham Maslow

Victory belongs to the most persevering.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

As for courage and will - we cannot measure how much of each lies within us, we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry through trials which may lie ahead.
-- Andre Norton

Chance is always powerful. - Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
-- Ovid

To achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought.
-- Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.
-- George Santayana

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
-- Semisonic, Closing Time

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
-- Seneca

... then the world 's mine oyster
-- William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives of Windsor

If you want to sing out, sing out, and if you want to be free, be free, 'cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are...
-- Cat Stevens, from a song lyric

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?
-- The Artist Formerly Known As Prince

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
-- Sun Tzu

The mind has exactly the same power as the hands: not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.
-- Colin Wilson

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.
-- John R. Wooden, Practical Modern Basketball

Do or do not. There is no try.
-- Yoda, character in the movie The Empire Strikes Back

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars
-- Les Brown


We would often be sorry if our wishes were gratified.
-- Aesop

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K. Dick

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein

I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
-- Theodor S. Geisel, a.k.a. "Dr. Seuss"

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.
-- Ralph Marston

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
-- Lily Tomlin

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
-- Mark Twain


The best defense is a good offense.
-- Anonymous

I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.
-- Wayne Gretzky

People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
-- Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.
-- Seen on a bumper sticker

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-- George F. Will, journalist, political commentator, 1994

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

I pity the fool.
-- Mr. T

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