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Husbands/Wives

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

-- Anonymous

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

-- Anonymous

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

-- Anonymous

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

-- Anonymous

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

-- Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

-- Jim Backus

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

-- Dave Barry

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

-- Baudelaire

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

-- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-- David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

-- Victor Borge

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.

-- Anne Bradstreet

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